Key Takeaways
- Moving out prior to the finalization of a divorce can affect several factors.
- Badmouthing your spouse can affect how the court rules in your divorce case.
- Your spouse’s attorney may troll your social media accounts or even subpoena your accounts.
- Be careful of how much you volunteer to pay for bills where your spouse lives.
You and your spouse decide to separate. In your mind, you can’t wait to escape the conflict in the home and be at peace in your own life. However, before you decide to separate, you need to think it through, as there are several things you shouldn’t do, including moving out of your house. Moving out can affect several factors in your divorce, including parenting time.
Before you take any action, schedule a consultation with Cordell & Cordell for legal advice regarding legal separation and a separation agreement to help protect your rights.
What should you not do during separation?
1. Don’t Move Out
You have many reasons to not move out during a separation:
- Property division: In some states, such as Virginia, moving out can affect the division of marital property. Often, the court can presume the spouse in the marital home is the one who wants to stay there. Additionally, many courts, regardless of your state, are more inclined to award the marital home to the spouse currently living there, especially when children are involved.
- Custody/visitation/time-sharing: The court always looks at the best interests of the children, and that often keeps them in the same community and at the same schools. If you move out, you may spend less time with your children, which could affect a custody award.
- Spousal support/alimony claims: The bills don’t stop after you move out. You now have two sets of bills – those for the marital home and those for your new apartment or home. If your spouse can’t pay all of the bills for the marital home, he or she could have a claim for spousal support.
- Paperwork: When you move out, you lose access to all your necessary paperwork, such as bank statements, deeds to the family home and vacation homes, retirement account statements, and more.
- Status quo orders: If you are the breadwinner in the family, some states can enter status quo orders that order you to continue paying the bills for the marital home even though you are the one who moved out.
2. Don’t Badmouth Your Ex (Especially on Social Media)
Badmouthing your spouse looks malicious to the court, especially during a custody battle. Badmouthing on social media is just as bad. Your spouse’s attorney can subpoena records of private accounts. If your account isn’t private, your spouse’s attorney can just go to your accounts and print out the posts to use against you in court.
Your best option is to refrain from posting on social media. If you post something — even if you don’t think it’s negative, your spouse could still interpret it as negative and use it against you in court. He or she may even look at the date and time and argue that you were not as upset as you said. Or, he or she could accuse you of spending too much time on social media instead of with your children.
Remember that deleting posts doesn’t mean they are no longer accessible. Others can screenshot your posts and send them to your spouse – or your spouse could screenshot them before you delete them.
You should adjust your privacy settings to the highest level. However, that doesn’t mean you’re safe from others, including your spouse, seeing what you posted.
If your children are on social media, watch what they post.
Finally, your friends and family should avoid mentioning your separation or divorce. Your spouse can also use that against you in a court hearing.
Continuing to pay marital bills during a separation will usually work against you. Granted, you’ll have the “feel good” feeling, but when it comes down to the distribution of assets and liabilities and spousal support, it could work against you:
- The court could presume that your spouse paid the bills, and you won’t receive credit for it.
- Your spouse may get used to you paying the bills and request that you continue paying them even after the divorce is final.
- The court could decide that paying the bills means you have plenty of money to pay more spousal support than it otherwise might have ordered.
- If you are eligible for spousal support yet continue paying the bills after you move out, the court can presume that you don’t need the support since you were paying the marital bills.
Before you divide bills, have a family law attorney work out an agreement that can be recorded as part of the divorce. Without an agreement signed by both parties, your spouse could accuse you of wasting assets. Even if you are getting along, something could happen down the road, causing your spouse to make nasty accusations.
If you separate but remain in the home, you may consider splitting the marital bills. If you have joint accounts and you know which one of you will stay in the marital home, you might consider putting bills into the spouse’s name who will stay in the house.
If credit cards are in one name, you keep yours, and your spouse keeps hers. However, consider paying off joint credit cards and closing that account. You can also keep credit cards but change them to individual accounts. This works well if you have two joint cards with similar balances. One pays and keeps one, and the other pays and keeps the other.
Bank accounts are another issue. If you can agree on how the money should be divided, withdraw your share and open another account. Remove your name from the joint accounts.
4. Don’t Jump into a Rebound Relationship
Experienced divorce attorneys recommend not dating during the separation process and divorce proceedings, as it could raise many issues, including:
- Your spouse may not be ready to move on, which could cause more tension and arguments that could break down the settlement process.
- The court could determine this as a reason the marriage failed. While that is not necessarily an issue in a no-fault state, it could be considered marital misconduct in fault states.
- Dating could affect asset division.
- Your new significant other could get involved in the divorce process and start making suggestions on financial and time-sharing decisions. This could confuse you or cause you to regret a decision later.
- Your soon-to-be ex-spouse could bring your dating to the court’s attention, affecting the division of assets, parenting time, and other family law matters.
- It can affect your children. The court will presume that it is not in the best interests of the children to bring someone new into their lives during a divorce.
- Some parenting plans prohibit non-relatives from living in the house with their children.
Don’t Put Off the Inevitable
Don’t let the separation drag out. Long separations can lead to resentment and create a communication gap, especially if you don’t have an official agreement. Separate long enough to know whether you want to try to stay with each other or go through with a divorce.
Why Work with Cordell & Cordell
An experienced family law firm such as Cordell & Cordell, with offices in many states, can guide you through keeping your rights intact during the settlement process and the divorce process.
Testimonials
“My entire experience was great, with all contacts, attorneys, paralegals, and reception. The staff provided a very good balance of experience/knowledge and customer care. Really understanding how hard of a process this is, and also understanding that clients don’t have unlimited time or resources. So doing things quickly and easily helps everyone. I would refer both the firm and my attorney to anyone that asked. [My lawyer] proved each and every week that I had superior support on my side.” — Steven S.
“[My lawyer] was absolutely great in my representation. I knew she would be from the legal standpoint, but the advice she gave me about all of the non-legal aspects of going through a divorce were almost as important as the legal.” — Thaddeus O.
Approach Your Separation with Confidence
Cordell & Cordell is a dedicated law firm that guides men through various family law issues. Contact our team today at 866-DADS-LAW or fill out our online contact form to schedule an initial consultation about separating or filing for divorce.
Disclaimer: This page serves as a resource and is not to be taken as legal advice.
Frequently Asked Questions
Separation length depends on several factors, mainly your individual circumstances and choices, jurisdiction, and state laws regarding separation before a divorce. Some states do not require a separation – in fact, they do not even recognize legal separation. Others have a lengthy residency requirement that may cause parties to separate.
If the parties believe they want to try to make the marriage work, they may separate for some time.
For example, in New York, if you do not have a formal written agreement of separation, you cannot use separation as grounds for divorce. However, the state does require the parties to be separated for one or more years prior to filing for divorce.
California also recognizes legal separation. If you do not want to divorce, you can ask the court for a legal separation that includes orders regarding property division, debt payments, spousal support, time sharing, and child support. California also has a lengthy residency requirement of six months. At least three of those months must be in the county where you will file for divorce.
In Michigan, legal separation is referred to as “separate maintenance.” You can ask the court to make decisions about spousal maintenance, child support, time sharing, and asset division. Some people choose to file for separate maintenance for religious reasons or other reasons. However, while you are still married, you can lose the benefits of being married, such as health insurance from your spouse’s employer.
If things are getting toxic and contentious, change your method of communication. In-person and telephonic communication is often undocumented and can lead to a shouting match and a he-said, she-said situation.
Toxic communication is not only not in your best interest, but it is not in the best interest of your children. If, no matter how hard you try, your spouse refuses to have a reasonable conversation, you can:
- Communicate by email. Be sure to save and print every email between the two of you, regardless of the subject.
- Communicate by text. Save every text.
- Communicate through your attorney. If you find that your spouse is not only being toxic but refuses to reason about anything, ask your attorney to forward a letter with your communication to your spouse’s attorney.
If you must communicate face-to-face because you are picking up or dropping off children, do it in a very public place where people can hear you. Some people choose a police station – be sure to meet up in the lobby, where you have a witness if needed.
Written by Joseph E. Cordell
Joseph E. Cordell is the Principal Partner at Cordell and Cordell, P.C., which he founded in 1990 with his wife, Yvonne. Over the past 25 years, the firm has grown to include more than 100 offices in 30 states, as well as internationally in the United Kingdom. Mr. Cordell is licensed to practice in the states of Illinois and Missouri and received his LL.M. from Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri. Joseph E. Cordell was named one of the Top 10 Best Family Law Attorneys for Client Satisfaction in Missouri.
