Key Takeaways
- Next to the death of a spouse, divorce is the second most stressful life event a person can experience.
- Generally speaking, there are seven stages in the grieving process men go through as they navigate a divorce.
- Facing the end of a marriage can be a very trying and difficult process, affecting all areas of a man’s life.
- It’s common for men to suffer adverse effects on their mental and physical health while navigating a divorce.
- Grief is a complicated process, and men experience unique challenges their spouses don’t face, such as bias, when going through a divorce.
- Cordell & Cordell believes men should be fairly represented, and we advocate in protecting their financial and family interests, standing up to fight the common biases men face in divorce.
It’s not easy for men to talk about their feelings. Unfortunately, divorce is a highly emotionally charged process, and those emotions — the anger, the pain, the betrayal — are going to impact your life whether you want them or not.
Grief is a complicated process, and anyone who has experienced it will tell you that it radiates into every part of your life, even impacting your physical health. At Cordell & Cordell, we are here to support you legally while you work through your divorce.
If you are struggling with your divorce, it might be helpful to read about each of the stages of grief, consider which stage you are currently in, and consider what steps you need to take to progress to the next one. If you need legal representation, the attorneys at Cordell & Cordell are here to advocate for you. To schedule a consultation, call us at 866-DADS-LAW.
Why Divorce Grief is So Painful
Cultural norms can make divorce extremely complicated for men and challenging to overcome.
Statistics show women are much more likely to initiate divorce than men. That shock and wave of emotions can hit like a tsunami, leaving men overwhelmed and unprepared for the next steps they need to take.
According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, divorce is the second-most stressful life event, behind only the death of a spouse. The same stages of grief that accompany the loss of a loved one are also often associated with divorce. Although divorce can actually be a time of great personal growth and reinvention, it is still the death of a relationship and a familiar way of life. As one Reddit user described it:
“Like grieving a death, after going through a divorce, we also grieve the loss of a relationship and the loss of family life. It can look like so many things. Grieving grocery shopping together, or visiting family together or family dinner parties […] Unlike grieving a death, we are grieving someone who still exists and is still around, and it can be difficult seeing them move on or live a life without them.”
Consequently, all this stress and unexpected uncertainty puts men at a great risk of developing serious long-term health problems. Counselors and therapists can play a key role in easing guys through this painful transition, but unfortunately, there is still a stigma surrounding men’s mental health that discourages many men from seeking the help they need.
The Seven Stages of Grief in a Divorce
1. Shock and Denial
In this stage, numbness and disbelief are common. With the denial stage, it’s common to deny the loss to try to avoid the pain you are certain to feel eventually.
2. Pain and Guilt
The initial shock eventually fades and gives way to suffering and hurt. As excruciating as this stage is, it is important to confront your emotions rather than bury them. Don’t hide from your sorrow, and do not try to cope with drugs or alcohol.
3. Anger and Bargaining
Eventually, you move past sadness and experience anger. Individuals in this phase will lash out at others who are blameless. Try your hardest to control this impulse, otherwise, you risk permanently harming other important relationships in your life.
It is common to try to make a deal with a higher power to change your situation. “I promise to be a better husband if you’ll just bring back my ex-wife.” The bargaining stage is a normal feeling.
4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
Many people find the depression stage to be the most challenging hurdle to overcome. Your loved ones may expect you to move on, but you’re struggling with prolonged periods of sadness.
This period is made worse if you’re spending time away from your children.
This is when the true magnitude of your loss starts to dawn on you, causing feelings of despair. While you might be tempted to close yourself off and isolate yourself from others during this time, take steps to make sure you are still moving forward. It might be helpful for you to start journaling and charting your emotions, which can lead to introspective reflection and personal growth.
5. The Upward Turn
Eventually, you are going to start having more good days than bad days. However, certain triggers can make you feel like you’re back at square one, so you’re not completely out of the woods yet.
You will likely experience greater organization, mental clarity, and begin to adjust to your new life.
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
In this stage, you finally start making decisions and plans about your future without considering your former spouse. You’ll start setting goals for yourself and even become excited about the direction your life is heading. You are truly starting to “move on” when you reach this stage.
7. Acceptance and Hope
You’ve reached the finish line! At the acceptance stage, you’ve worked through all your pain and negativity and found a way to accept your loss. This stage might not mean immediate happiness, but overall you are optimistic about life and living a healthy lifestyle.
You are moving forward and continuing to heal every day. In this final stage, you may even find you’re in a place where you’re starting to form new relationships.
Why Work With Cordell & Cordell
Cordell & Cordell understands the unique challenges men face when going through the divorce process. Our attorneys have directly observed a stereotypical bias against men and, while this isn’t malicious or even conscious, it occurs.
As a result, we aim to level the playing field in divorce court. Since 1990, our law firm has grown to become a community of talented legal professionals representing men in more than 100 law offices across the United States. Clients choose to work with us because they know we will aggressively champion their interests, along with those of their children.
Testimonials
“Everything was done well and competently, and everything seemed very above board.” — Philip S.
“Cordell and Cordell has it figured out and stream lined. I liked that I could see everything on the website including documents I had turned it. [My attorney] was great. She was attentive and responsive. She was on top of everything.” — Richard G.
Don’t Go Through It Alone
Divorce is one of the most agonizing events a person can experience. In many cases, men are the ones who leave the family home and need to start completely over. When you work with Cordell & Cordell, you can rest assured you’ll have someone by your side who understands your point of view and will aggressively fight for you.
To schedule a consultation, call our family law firm at 1-866-DADS-LAW or, if you prefer, fill out our online contact form, and a member of our legal team will be in touch.
In addition to working with our attorneys, we also offer our clients other sources of assistance, including podcasts, town halls, and eBooks. Your legal and financial well-being is a priority for us throughout the litigation and post-divorce.
Frequently Asked Questions
Grief is an individual process, and there is no one-size-fits-all way to go through it. Some people move faster through the process than others. It’s perfectly normal to have different feelings, even from one hour to the next. If you find yourself struggling with coping strategies, these tips may help.
- Talk to friends and family members who can provide you with a strong emotional support system.
- Accept your feelings and don’t try to bury them — it’s a positive thing to “feel” your feelings.
- Give yourself a break from everyday responsibilities when needed.
- Consider joining a support group.
- Speak with a therapist or other mental health professional.
- Think about keeping a journal to write down emotions; this can help you work through them.
- Seek healthy ways to cope by taking deep breaths, engaging in hobbies you enjoy, or envisioning yourself in a peaceful location (beach, mountains, etc.).
- Additionally, try to set realistic goals. It’s easy to get swept up in transforming your life when you’re suddenly living alone and facing a new reality, but things won’t change overnight. Give yourself a realistic list of goals and work on them a little at a time.
When it comes to the healing process associated with grief, the timeframe can vary. Some people may move quickly through the process, while others take as long as two years. This is normal. The acute phase of grief may last weeks or months, but as you move through each stage, you’ll still feel a range of emotions. Don’t rush yourself because everyone is different. It’s OK to feel and be sad. Remember, grief is a process, not a singular state of mind.
Written by Joseph E. Cordell
Joseph E. Cordell is the Principal Partner at Cordell and Cordell, P.C., which he founded in 1990 with his wife, Yvonne. Over the past 25 years, the firm has grown to include more than 100 offices in 30 states, as well as internationally in the United Kingdom. Mr. Cordell is licensed to practice in the states of Illinois and Missouri and received his LL.M. from Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri. Joseph E. Cordell was named one of the Top 10 Best Family Law Attorneys for Client Satisfaction in Missouri.
